One day you will want to start your own family. Even though that means leaving us, I want you to experience the joy of marriage and raising children. Here are some tips when you don’t want to be single any more.
What do men find attractive?
Men are attracted to a feminine woman. That should be obvious. A woman who dresses like a woman, talks like a woman, smells like a woman. But there is something far deeper that defines femininity. If I had to pick only one Biblical word for it, the equivalent of femininity is submissiveness. It is God’s main advice to women over and over: learn to be submissive (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1-6, 1 Tim 2:9-11, Titus 2:4-5). When God repeats Himself, He is emphasizing something few people practice and we should pay attention.
In the area of family, God made men to be proactive and women to be receptive. This may not be true in other areas of life, but it is true in courting and in marriage. A man should learn to take charge and a woman should learn to be submissive.
What does it mean to be a submissive woman? It does not mean being a doormat or having no opinion as a person. Being submissive means showing respect and honor. The simplest way to show honor is by adaption. When you honor someone, you are adapting to them. You may not like a certain food, but when you date someone who likes it, you start trying out that food; you are adapting to them. Your mother never ate spicy food till she met me. I don’t consider it good food till there’s chili on it. I don’t consider it tasty pasta till I’ve dashed some Tabasco on it. Your mum adapted to me and honored me when we were dating.
Honor works both ways, of course. I remember one young man in our church told me he could not email me or facebook me because his girlfriend was on an “Internet fast”. She was facebooking too much, so decided to stop and spend more time with the Lord. The young man did not have the same problem, but he fasted also. I didn’t have to ask him why. I knew why. It was a act of honor. Honor is adaption to someone you love.
While women appreciate adaption, they do not need a man who constantly adapts to them, they need a man who leads well. While men can appreciate a woman who leads (in this case the woman led the Internet fast), they do not need a woman to constantly lead them, they crave a feminine woman. Men are irresistibly attracted to a woman who makes them feel honored and respected.
Put another way, the ugliest women in the world are those who belittle, disrespect or nag their men. This usually doesn’t happen until after the courting stage is over and over-familiarity has set in, so remind me to talk about it with you another day.
Lets talk about ways attractive women display their femininity, submission or adaptation.
The easiest way for a woman to seem more attractive to a man is to serve. A woman serving at a party is more attractive than a woman who is telling other people what to do, standing by herself or staring at her phone to check her latest status update. A woman who serves a man she likes will immediately get his attention. This can work too well. If a girl has been raised well to serve others, immature boys will misinterpret her gorgeous attitude as a sign she likes him. She may not like him at all; she may just like serving. Serving is so attractive that many men will mistakenly think a submissive woman likes them all. Serving is extremely powerful.
Another way a woman appears attractive to a man is to adapt to what he likes – I mentioned food before, but it may be a sports, a hobby or a new language. When your mother met me, she didn’t speak a word of Thai. She adapted to me and started picking up conversational Thai. She spent one year in Thailand to study the Bible. She was honoring both God and me, because she was adapting to God’s culture and my childhood culture. It instantly made her stand out from the rest of the girls.
Another way for a woman to increase her chances of getting a date is to be inter-dependent. There are two extremes on this issue: codependence and independence. Codependence is the state of a person who is overly dependent on someone else in an unhealthy way; the codependent person refuses to feel good about themselves unless some other person approves them. The only approval we should need is God’s approval, and we already have that through trusting in Jesus Christ. Codependence is called “clinginess” by guys and they find it a turn off.
On the other hand, independence is unattractive to a man because he is looking for someone to take care of. Many women have become overly independent because they had an unhealthy relationship with their father, had an absent father, or had no father at all. They do not know what it is like to trust a man who will care for them. This is the reason many women dress like men and are uncomfortable around men. They are afraid to be vulnerable and appear needy to a man. You did not have this kind of relationship with me (you could always safely giggle around me, cry on me and ask me for my help). Nevertheless it is good for you to be aware why some women became overly independent. It is a hard shell to protect a soft heart. As they age, their independent tendencies will increase, and their chances of getting married will decrease. If a woman never gives any man a chance to take care of her, then she will be alone all her life.
Inter-dependence is the healthy balance. Asking a man for help, depending on him for his leadership, showing you need him in some way, are attractive to a man who is a leader. All submissive people are actually secure people who are able to play this balance of being both capable and yet needy of other people at the same time. Insecure people either act like they need nobody else or act too desperate for someone else to accept them. Because you are secure in Christ and in my love, don’t be afraid to show your dependence on a good man. He will find that very attractive.
What about your girlfriends who secretly want to be married but they are too insecure to be adaptable to a man or inter-dependent on a man? I have observed this type of women for a long time and believe there is a cure. First, they have to get their relationship with their fathers right (if he is alive). If they look down on him, that has to change. I have observed that in most cases, it’s better to have a father than no father at all.
Some fathers are difficult to deal with. Some children live with drunks. If a father drinks, yet he provides for his family and is faithful to his wife, he should be acknowledged for his good. As long as he never physically abuses his wife and children, I believe it’s better to have him than no father. I am not condoning his poor behavior. I do understand some men have been so torn by life, so scared by war, so cheated by friends or so tossed aside by their own relatives, that they regularly try to drink their pain away. God can change their hearts, but they need our prayer and love first.
Then there are fathers who appear moral on the outside, but they give no emotional support to their children, do not know how to listen to them, or even openly prefer their son over their daughter. It is awful to grow up with that, too. But again I say in most cases it’s better to have such a father than none at all. Tell your friends to appreciate their father while he’s alive. Find ways to respect him and honor him. As they do that, they will be prepared to attract a godly man. If they refuse to do that, they will eventually attract the same kind of man as their father, because that is what they are most comfortable and familiar with. Family history gets repeated because no one decides to break the sinful cycle and make a radical change.
Second, your friends who feel insecure around men needs to get acquainted with our Heavenly Father. This is all the more necessary if they did not grow up with a father or their father has passed on. Ultimately, every father on earth fails us in some way. We need to look higher to find our identity and security. There is a Father who gave us life, and it was His decision that we be alive regardless of who our parents were and what they did. We are to get to know Him through the Bible and prayer and attending church. We are to know Him well enough that we desire to honor Him in everything we do. When God becomes our Father, He will look after us and arrange a good marriage for us, if we want Him to. He really knows what we like most and who is best for us.
To review, men may be attracted to outward femininity at first, but that will not last. Men are most attracted to inward femininity. That is to say, men fall in love with women who make them feel honored and respected. The way to show men honor is to be adaptable, to serve, to show your dependence on him in a healthy way. This takes tremendous security and trust on the woman’s part. You are not required to do this for every man, just one, so qualify that man first and choose that one wisely. I will always love you, Sweetie.