Increasing Your Chances of Getting a Date (for Men first)


Dear Austin,

One day you will want to start your own family. Even though that means leaving us, I want you to experience the joy of marriage and raising children. Here are some tips when you don’t want to be single any more.

What do women find attractive? By the time you grow up and read this, you will already know the basics, things like brush your teeth, maintain a pleasant body odor, dress up and not look like you’ve just woken up. Every young man should learn personal grooming if he hopes to attract a fine lady. Looking good and smelling good will keep you from being instantly disqualified, but it will not mean you will have a Christian lady to walk down the aisle and raise a family with. What do women find attractive?

Women are attracted to leadership. In the area of family, God made men to be leaders and women to be followers. This may not be true in other areas of life, but it is true in courting and in marriage.

What does it mean to be a leader? It does not mean the same thing as being bossy. Being a leader means knowing how to lead yourself, your finances, and a group of people (a woman and some children in the case of a family). It starts with you. You have to first learn to make decisions guided by God and stick with them. You have to be able to pray, design a plan and follow through until the goals are completed. If you are a “flip-flopper”, most women will be repelled. If you say one day “I like you” to someone you’re dating, then turn around the next day and tell her, “I’m not sure any more,” then come back the next week and tell her, “I like you again,” it’s extremely unattractive to women. You are flip flopping on her and it’s unfair to her. Think of it from a woman’s perspective. She’s made by God to follow you, but she is thinking to herself, “If I’m to follow you, you’d better know where you’re going!”

Number 1, you should know how to hear God for yourself, make good decisions and follow through even when it’s tough. This is leading yourself.

Number 2, you should be in a position to buy a house for her and your future family. It’s not merely having an intention to work or an idea to start a business. No! Ideas don’t make money, plans make money. You need a godly plan. That plan has to include God at its center – such as honoring God with firstfruits, tithes and offerings. You don’t need to have achieved that plan already. A woman who loves you will sacrifice with you and support you on your journey towards a plan, but she is not obligated to support a mere idea. While you are on that plan, you should work, whether it’s volunteering or having a job. If you are a student, work during the school breaks. If you are dreaming of starting a new business, you should be earning income while the dream is taking shape through education or mentoring. Wealth does not follow you, wealth is waiting for you in your God-ordained place. Your job is to be moving towards that place. This is leading your finances.

Number 3, you should know how to lead a conversation. God leads the universe through conversation. Leaders lead organizations through conversation. A man who’s too quiet or too passive in communication, but is great in the other two areas I mentioned, will still remain single and unattractive to most women.

Leading a conversation does not necessarily mean being talkative. It also certainly doesn’t mean interrogating a woman with a barrage of factual questions. It means being able to tell stories and to listen for others’ feelings first, then facts. Telling a story is important because people remember stories better than facts. They get to know your heart (and you theirs) by stories.

I remember observing some fine Christian men being turned down over and over again not because they were poor candidates for marriage. On the contrary, they were men I admired, but the women they approached did not admire them because of their lack in this area of communication skills.

On the one hand, a man can be so self-absorbed that he talks about himself non-stop. Overconfidence is lack of confidence; in other words, overconfidence is a cover up for insecurity. Often a young man talks too much about himself because he is still insecure; he should go back to leading himself (by hearing God) and leading his finances (by obeying God), then he will gain some confidence. True confidence comes from experience with God, not from talking about oneself. A woman wants a conversation, and a conversation means a genuine dialogue, not a pumped up monologue.

On the other hand, a man can be so awkward with conversation that a woman who might consider dating him just ends up feeling too uncomfortable. No woman likes utter silence or stilted interrogations.

There’s one real cure to a man’s lack of communication skills. It’s not merely taking classes on public speaking or mass communications, which I think are a good step. The simplest cure is to be around more people, and to intentionally listen for their feelings, remember their stories, and share your own stories. Get involved in team activities. Church is a great place where you can serve other people, learn from other people and find the opportunity to share your testimonies. Even though testimonies are to glorify God, I can tell you that if you’re single and you share your testimony, you will instantly stand out above all the other single men. Women are attracted to a man who is willing to speak up for God, for himself and for his team.

Young men sometimes miss the two most obvious groups of people with whom they should improve their communication. First is the girl’s family. When you marry a girl, you are marrying her family. When you date a girl, you are really dating her family. Engage with her parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters till they are comfortable with you. I would not make my first conversation with her father or mother, “Can I take your daughter out?” They may not know who you are yet. They are not obligated to like you. It takes time for people to accept someone. Just be friendly – not too loud or too quiet.

Second, never underestimate the positive effect of talking with God. God is a good conversationalist. Developing a habit of listening to God’s voice and sharing your thoughts honestly to Him each day goes a long way towards making a man skilled in the art of conversation. Private communication with God is a solid foundation for all public communication.

Women are irresistibly drawn to the leadership qualities of a man. Learn to:
– lead yourself (make decisions based on prayer and conviction, then stick to them),
– lead your finances (write goals, work diligently and be generous every step of the way) and
– lead a group of people (cast vision by telling your stories of challenges, defeats and successes, and listen to other people’s stories and feelings). Don’t be too quiet or over talkative. Be natural as you enjoy people’s company and lead them to Christ. Then Christ will lead you to the right girl.

Before I go, I’d like to bring balance to what what I wrote about leadership. Kindness is also attractive. Most women would rather have a kind man than a good-looking man who’s not so nice. So remember to be a kind leader. Start by being kind to your mother. Pay attention to her needs. Help her before she asks. When you’re old enough, take her out for fun (those should be your first dates). Not only will the right girl notice that, but I will, and the Lord will, too.

Next blog, I will talk about what makes a woman irresistible to a man.

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